Monologue Deux

“Não se preocupe, Felipe, algumas pessoas estão destinadas a ficarem para sempre na nossa vida, não importa o que.”

Foi essa frase, vindo de um acquaintance, no local mais insipiente para conversas profundas, que uma frase me atingiu e ficou marcada em mim. It was meaningful, in a place of meaninglessness.

Essa frase alimenta minha fé, me dá esperança. Ainda, no entanto, enxergo uma interpretação assustadora. O mais triste é saber que certas pessoas estão destinadas a ficarem para sempre na minha vida. So it won’t ever go away.

And that’s really hard, ‘cause I quite ashamed: the most deep understanding of Love that I have is this love for him, and this love for him it’s proved to me useless.

Eu submergi em mares profundíssimos e mesmo assim o amor que possuo se admite ser uma força muito fraca. Não é o suficiente para ele e me afoga. It’s lovely, but it’s pointless.

O que me magoa é saber que, de tudo que tenho potencial a oferecer, ele escolheu o mínimo. O aparentemente menos prejudicial. So what is the reason of my effort? So why hurt so much if I don’t even know if he likes me, or he respects me or even if he’s comfortable around me?

Mentira. Ele não quer sequer me encontrar pessoalmente. Como posso me sentir bem se fere meu orgulho saber que alguém que amo tanto tem completo medo de mim? Eu sequer sei se ele gosta de mim. Tudo que ele quer de mim é um nice chat or a distractive chat or small talk and nothing further. E eu me sinto insignificante por isso.

Na verdade, ele me disse o que há por trás. E sim, respeito e compreendo. So his friends don’t like me or despise me. Ok, I have done harm in the past, I never had denied it. And to justify will only help to add more water to the confusion and arguments of despise. I know because I have tried to apologize and to repair and to make amends.

But I guess I’m dealing with a bunch of people who understand a lot about Deep Regret and Deep Resentment and Deep Repentance. Actually, they charge a lot about those matters. But they don’t know the first thing about Faith. And they care shit about Forgiveness.

So I’m not hoping for their faith, trust, forgiveness or whatever, because… bem, eles não me conhecem, não sabem da minha índole. E o mais triste é: eles não estão dispostos a me conhecer. So why ask for another chance? “Do you think you will be able to forgive me?”

But I’m willing to give it another try. And I really care about one person, and one person only.

And for him, nothing will be good enough,

It’s quite a dead end, isn’t it?

Well, maybe he’s in his crisis of faith himself. Então não posso me culpar totalmente. Tudo no fim se resume a uma questão de bad timing. And i can not change his personal velocity. Se ele não se dá uma razão para tentar, para me ver e permitir podermos, quem sabe, reconstruir um path of trust, um path of empathy, uma zona mútua de respeito e kindness.

Maybe is me asking too much, for him to believe in my love.

In the end, all I want to do is get close to someone, to him.

To feel this love is worthy, that it’s not all tainted and not all tamed. But I am so sad, and aren’t that so sad? There’s no point into it. And if it’s really that meaningless and that deep, I don’t know if I want to experience the pressure of the deepness of the one that is worth. It’s frightening.

“The first time I ever died
Was in the arms of good friends of mine.

All the love,
All the love we should have given.
All the love,
All the love we could have given.”
Kate Bush.

Yeah, maybe some people are meant to always stay present in our lives. For better and for worst, in sickness and in health. It just takes just faith, patience and serenity.

[ouvindo Feel So Different, por Sinéad O’Connor]
[ouvindo Yalin, por Agua de Annique]
[ouvindo All The Love, por Kate Bush]